The Real Man’s Guide To Eating An Oreo
There are certain rites of passage fathers teach their sons: how to ride a bike; how to throw anything under the heading of “ball;” how to put out a fire the guy way; how to drive a stick shift; why you should not spit into the wind.
It’s a special bonding passed from generation to generation. As a kid, you were taught how to do said subject, and you then pass it on to your boys.
Recently – okay as in last night – it came time for snacks. Said post-dinner snacks being a favored meal unto itself for the Sons of Thunder. On the agenda were Oreos, a rather sacred food group in our clan. And we only buy the double-stuffed ones; which when you think about, have about the same amount of filling found in the old single Oreos I used to eat. The single Oreo today is basically a dabble of paste.
Anyway, they start in on the Oreos and I’m watching them and I just stare because I realize I have failed in my fatherly duties. I have failed to pass on a most important facet of life.
The Sons don’t know the proper way to eat an Oreo cookie.
This is not good.
Eldest Son is dunking his Oreo – whole, mind you – in the milk. Middle Son is just biting the cookie like it’s a chocolate chip for crying out loud. And Youngest Son is doing the old commercial-style “twist it apart and lick the icing first.
So I started in explaining the proper way to eat an Oreo, which has nothing to do with how any actor kids on TV do it. Amateurs.
And as I get into the finer details of partaking of said cookie, the Little Black Dress just stares at me. It’s one of those stares where the counselor in her kicks in. And her diagnosis includes phrases like ADD, manic-depressive, postpartum and a myriad of other mental issues. Or, to put it simply, “who the heck did I marry?”
Despite that, I believe it’s important to share the wisdom of the proper eating of said Oreo. There is no dunking or scraping, although twisting is involved.
1. Use five Oreos. The perfect number for eating Oreos.
2. You take the first Oreo and twist it apart into two pieces.
3. If the twist is perfect, you get all the creme on one piece and all the chocolate cookie part on the other.
4. Eat the chocolate cookie part – the part without the creme.
5. Next, take the creme side and nibble around the edges so no chocolate cookie shows. Basically, you want the creme to cover all the chocolate.
6. Set said creme cookie aside.
7. With me so far?
8. Sometimes, the twisting results in part of the creme going on one cookie piece and part on the other cookie piece.
9. Don’t panic.
10. Simply nibble around the cookie until all the chocolate – except that under the creme – is eaten. Just like No. 5.
11. Set those creme pieces aside and dive into the next one.
12. When you have twisted apart all five cookies, nibbled the edges back so only the creme and the cookie part below is showing, you are ready for the next step.
13. Put the Oreo pieces in a row, starting with the smallest and working your way to the biggest. On those perfectly round ones where all the creme is on one side, you will have to make a judgement call on which one is the biggest.
14. Start eating following the next directions.
15. You take the smallest piece and eat it on the left side of your mouth.
16. You take the next smallest piece and eat it on the right side of your mouth.
17. Continue this alternating pattern – left, right, left, right – until all pieces are eaten. You should end with the last one being eaten on the right side of your mouth.
18. If, by chance, you end up with an odd number of pieces, we have to change things up a bit. That’s because you must always finish with the last piece being eaten on the right side of your mouth.
19. Anyway, if you end up with an odd number, the odds are it will be a nice full whole round creme piece. Simply bite into half of the cookie and eat it on the left side of your mouth. Then, eat the remaining piece on the right side.
Congratulations, you are now an Oreo Master of the Fifth Path.
And that just goes to show the LBD’s little diagnosis of me being a tad neurotic just might be off this time.