Waterer Of Water

Apr 27, 2011 by

The Little Black Dress recently decided to add stuff to the backyard.

She did not call it “stuff,” but rather used one of those 50-cent words like “ambiance” or “decor,” I can’t remember.  To me, any box so heavy it screams “potential hernia” and requires a forklift to move, is stuff. The obvious exception being if said box includes the words “large flat screen.”

The reason for this backyard focus is apparent if one merely gazes upon it. And this is one of those times an “edge word” is appropriate. And that’s simply because it is the most descriptive and precise word I can come up with. (For those who have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about, please read this blog.)

The backyard looks like crap. Yes, in this case, that’s about all we can say.

So The Dress heads off to the Big Box Store Where You Too Can Get The Stuff To Build Your Own House.  

She returns with not one, but two of the aforementioned hernia-inducing boxes. Inside these behemoths are what she refers to as “water features.” To my untrained eye, they look like fountains. And just who will be moving Gigantor and his friend from the back of the Suburban to the backyard?

My only solace is that these masses of concrete are so heavy they come in sections. I try to enlist the help of the Sons of Thunder to help lift these sections. One Son tries and he moves more than the section. And then he gives me one of those “what, are you kidding me?” looks. Nevertheless, we prevail. Not only that, we get them in the appropriately, close enough, perfect spot to meet the expectations of The Dress. And no, for once, she did not use a measuring tape to ensure said perfect spots.

Now apparently, the LBD and the nice lady at the Big Box Store Where You Too Can Get The Stuff To Build Your Own House had quite a discussion about these water thingys. The Dress was quite adamant about what she wanted; that being a powerful yet soothing impact of cascading effervescence, coupled with tangible audible levels to create a myriad of sounds capable of creating a tranquil environment and yet soothing to not only the ear, but visually as well.

To my untrained ear, I think she wanted to be sure they were loud.

After filling up the water thingys and turning them on, we both realized she got her wish. However, it did not meet her definition of “being a powerful yet soothing impact of cascading effervescence, coupled with tangible audible levels to create a myriad of sounds capable of creating a tranquil environment and yet soothing to not only the ear, but visually as well.”

Or to put it in my own words,  Tranquility? No. Niagara Falls? Yes. Quite simply, the water was pounding with such force you couldn’t hold a conversation in your head.

So I played around with the input/output/twist the knob till you get the right pressure valve and we eventually had something relatively close to the LBD’s wishes, as noted above.

Flash forward to the next day. I walk out and the water is just about gone out of the bottom pools. This means there is not enough pressure, which in turn means the water thingy is definitely not meeting the LBD’s wishes, as noted above.

So I do a couple of what I think are relatively intelligent things: I check to ensure there are no leaks (none found); and I fill them back up with water. Yes, I am quite proud of myself.

Flash forward to the next day. Same thing. Now I understand the laws of evaporation, as well as the dogma of “splash effect,” as well as anyone. However, this is unacceptable.

And slowly it dawns on me, as I yet again fill up the water thingys, that I will be doing this until the Rapture, or we move, whichever comes first. And as I think about these life mysteries, it also dawns on me that I can look at this as the glass being half full or half empty; or in this case, the water thingys being half full or half empty.

I choose half full. I am blessed that I have the ability to turn on a faucet and actually have clean water, something we take for granted. Large parts of the world are not so fortunate.

And I also realize I’m pretty good at filling these water thingys. I have developed a quite sophisticated system, which to put it simply, involves turning on the hose and putting said hose into the  bottom bowl of the water thingys. But in reality, it’s much more complicated. Or at least that’s what I keep telling myself.

Because let’s face it, I’m watering water.

Yet on the other hand, I have discovered yet another gift. To swatter, firestarter and smoresman, I now add waterer of water. Again, if you have no idea what I’m talking about, please read this post.

And, to keep it all in perspective, this latest gift makes The Dress happy. And that’s the whole point.

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