The Lost Files: Revenge Of The Squirrels – The Sequel

Oct 28, 2009 by winjaw

The Lost Files were weekly columns written back around 2001-2003 while I was running a newspaper in the Midwest. They seem to have disappeared from the Internet, probably after some redesign of the newspaper’s web site. So, from time to time, I’ll report some of my favorites from saved hard copies (that’s paper to you new media types).

Consider it Battle of the Squirrels – Part Two.

If you recall, our house rats and I declared war in October after they ate through my pumpkins, destroyed every garbage can I had, and generally attacked every time I went outside.

I thought we finally had an uneasy truce, but to my horror, they were secretly planning a massive sneak attack. 

This barrage occurred when a gang of the spawn burrowed into our house and set up camp. For the next several weeks, my wife and I dealt with the pleasant sounds of squirrels crawling up and down between our walls and in our attic. It was enough to drive a person, well, “nuts.”

Last week, we broke the truce. A professional was called in to board up the hole and to use “extreme prejudice” in removing the varmits. Of course, this led to an attack of remorse on my wife’s part, who had the hired gun hold off a week so she could get some traps from the Humane Society.

And so that’s what we did. But let no one kid you, our enemies are extremely smart.  It didn’t matter the traps were spring-loaded, they simply stepped over the spring and snagged the corn/apples/peanut butter. This led my wife to tie the corn/apple with a string.

The squirrels then did one of two thing: ate the string and got the goodies, or ate the goodies through the outside of the trap.

I was at the point of calling in the nuclear attack, or at least a shotgun, when low and behold, we actually caught one. This led to an unveiling of a new truth: namely, be careful what you ask for, you might get it.

We got what my wife wanted, a captured squirrel still alive. Unfortunately, this led to an even greater attack of remorse by my wife, who was now concerned we had captured the mother and what would happen to the babies and so forth and so on.
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Of course, this became the topic of debate throughout the day until I finally swore not to speak to her again if the subject was brought up. She did well until about 4 a.m., when she awoke me and wondered if we should put the POW in the garage since it was raining.

Now, Corby is a wonderful mother and wife, but I realized then and there she would never make it as a prison guard. I guess I gave her some kind of look that worked because she rolled back over and didn’t say anything else about it. Now, if I could only remember what that look actually was.

Everything was fine until the morning. I awoke, walked down the stairs and saw her coming in with a carrot and muttering under her breath about something along the lines of  “what was I thinking … that’s just dumb.” She looked at me, said “shut up” and walked off. It appears she was thinking about feeding the prisoner before realizing the impacts.

And so I took the squirrel off far away. I seriously considered dropping it off at the shooting range, but instead found a nice little glen of trees.

End of story.

Not quite.

The counterattack occurred Sunday morning. A suicidal squirrel climbed a telephone pole, ate through a wire and shorted out a transformer. The rat got fried, as my neighbors can attest, but his mission was a success. Our entire block lost electrical power for the good part of an hour. I kid you not. and I had to apologize to our neighbors.

The battle continues. To date we have not lost any more power and have captured five more of the enemy.  Unfortunately, they refuse to tell us who or where their commander is. However, we have uncovered their base camp and called in the professional to board it up. Hopefully, we can all sue for peace and start a trade agreement. Or maybe they’ll call their friends over from Division Street and renew hostilities. We’ll see.

Until next time.