Weekend Column – The Shrinkage Problem

Sep 8, 2014 by winjaw

As men, we have all faced the same problem.

It comes at the worst possible time. You’ve got everything all set up. The timing is right, the ambiance is perfect.

And then you look down and go, “What the heck happened?”

I am speaking, of course, about shrinkage. And to be quite honest, it’s an issue I’ve dealt with all my adult life. And I know I’m not alone. I mean it started out so much bigger, and when you are finally ready, it’s half the size you expected.

The worst part is your significant other is not impressed.

I’ve tried every method out there. Go slow, go fast, go medium. Wait, don’t wait. Hot, warm, cold. Nothing.

Until now.

And since I know just about every man has faced this same problem, it’s time to share the love. Let’s face it, you’ve got a pound of meat here and no one wants to see it shrink by 50 percent.

There is only one way to prevent shrinkage.

You have to bake it.

I know, I know. It sounds crazy. But it works. I know because I tried it out one night this week with the Little Black Dress. And she was quite impressed, if I do say so myself. And that’s what it all boils down to anyway, doesn’t it?

Trust me, just throw out the old methods and go with this. I guarantee it will work.

It was dinnertime and we were going to have Breakfast Dinner – namely, fried egg sandwiches with salsa. Bread just slightly toasted to give it a little crunch.

And I wanted to add bacon.

In fact, I had just come back from the grocery store with a pound of thick/center cut perfection. Initially, I went for my trusty cast iron skillet (I know that goes without saying, because every man will only use cast iron for bacon, right? Right?)
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I looked at this perfect pound of sliced heavenliness and realized I wanted to eat it all, not half.

Being an investigative journalist at heart, I had done my, well, investigating. It was time to throw caution to the wind, damn the torpedos and all that.

I lined a big cookie sheet with aluminum foil. I put the sliced goodness on the foil. I put said cookie sheet with the ambrosia into a COLD oven. The COLD is capitalized to show emphasis in case you were wondering.

Anyway, once the nectar was placed in the center of the oven, I turned the temperature on to 400 degrees.

And I walked away.

In about 10 minutes, the SONS of Thunder were all trying to peak into the oven. There was foam coming from their mouths. The aroma was simply breathtaking. For a woman, it would be like bathing yourself in Joy perfume.

After about 15 minutes, I started to check the gift of the gods for doneness. This part is up to you. Want it more chewy, take it out. More crunchy, leave it in.

I pulled out Christmas and let the strips of joy drain onto paper towels. I gave a sample to the SONS. They tried it and all hugged me with tears of pure thankfulness pouring down their faces. The Dress knelt at my feet. The dogs …

Okay, I might be getting carried away.

But I did get some serious high-fives.

There was no fear of a potential kitchen fire. There was no oil popping into my eye. Cleanup involved throwing away the foil.

And there was minimal, and I mean minimal, shrinkage.

Until next time,