A Rather Painful Subject

Mar 30, 2009 by winjaw

The Little Black Dress’s parents once gave me one of their most prize possessions – their daughter’s hand in marriage.

I’m lucky. My in-laws adore me, especially Mom No. 2. Not to worry, I can assure you my parents tolerate me and if given the option, would send me off with a wave and keep the Little Black Dress.

Yet the happy times over the past 15 years are now simply that – memories. For the past two years, we’ve dealt with an emotional roller coaster I wish on no one.

Emergency and then permanent guardianship; placement in nursing homes; dealing with 50 years of accumulated stuff; watching two people you love simply lose it: mentally and in one case,  physically as well. And for the most part, trying to deal with it all long-distance.

Dementia, Alzheimer’s, short-term memory loss. Whatever you call it, or whatever it really is, it sucks.

It’s a saga, a journey, that continues to unfold. And there is no going back. As one doctor put it, “we are on that train.” It’s a ticket no one wants.

Where to start? Probably with “The House.” My father-in-law decided to move after decades in the same house. It was going to be his dream home, the one he always wanted, and always wanted to give to his wife.

And it was. Six bedrooms, 5,500-square-feet, the perfect neighborhood. The perfect place to bring the the grandkids. The perfect disaster.

Yet he bought it any way about five years ago. Looking back, that’s when this horrible journey began. Within a couple of months my mother-in-law quit driving; then quit cooking; then quit cleaning; then quit seeing friends; then quit living.

Why? I think a lot of it had to do with “stuff.” As much as I love her, my mother-in-law has never thrown anything away. Never. Ever. At her old house, she somehow knew where everything was. At “The House,” she was lost.

Physically and mentally, she simply deteriorated day by day. Today, she really can’t speak, she needs help with basic needs – getting dressed, walking, brushing her teeth.

And my dear father-in-law was clueless. Turns out, he had his own problems.

We started to pick up on this with simple memory clues – conversations would be repeated, repeatedly. Over and over.
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A couple of years ago, we called and the phone was disconnected. Turns out he forgot to pay his bill. Digging a little deeper, turns out he forgot to pay his homeowner’s insurance, his car insurance, his electricity bill, his (fill in the blank) bill.

It was bizarre. This is a man who up until the Little Black Dress’s brother had to take over guardianship, went to his veterinary practice every day. Drive to work – no problem. Operate on animals – no problem.

Doctors later told us this was all part of his “hardwired” memory. It’s what he did for more than 50 years, it was his life. But he had no clue what happened 10 minutes ago.

A perfect example: we have three boys with a combined age of less than 20. They are “all boy” and you simply do not forget them. It’s impossible. Yet, my father-in-law would come home for lunch with the grandkids, go back to work and be back home a couple of hours later.

He’d walk in and the first thing he’d say was “I didn’t know you all were here. When did you all come to town?”

It just got worse. I would literally have the same conversation with him four or five times, in the space of an hour. He had absolutely no short-term memory. None.

Here’s the big dilemma: how do you convince someone they’ve lost their short-term memory? Because even if you can, they “forget” that fact within an hour or so. And you’re back to square one.

It’s said the mind can play tricks. This isn’t a trick, it’s pure pain. And probably more for the loved ones than the victim.

It has impacted us tremendously, and my brother-in-law’s family as well. It has been tough on all of us. Yet we can say they are now safe. They have full-time care, their needs are being met. We’re doing everything we possibly can.

It also played a big part in our family’s decision to completely revamp our lives. I’ve left the company I worked for for 24 years and we’re moving back to help look after them.

Is this the life we wanted? No. But in the end, it really is about family first. And so we’re heading off on this unplanned detour they call life.

Stay tuned.