It’s Pinewood Derby Time – Hoorah

Feb 21, 2010 by winjaw

The Pinewood Derby is a rite of passage for Cub Scouts. Or, it’s a contest among the dads. I’ve never quite figured it out.

You are either totally into it, or you’re more excited about it being over. There’s very little middle ground.

It’s almost like a cult for some. And there are hobby shops with entire rows of stuff for these little pieces of wood. Everything from decals to paint, to pre-made bodies to speed wheels (illegal) to fenders to whatever.  And then there are the weights; cause you really, really need the weights to make sure you get as close to 5 ounces as possible.  That’s a whole industry unto itself.

So the two oldest Sons of Thunder have their big race on Saturday.  It’s pressure time, and like I said, the pressure is on the dads.  And I don’t care what you say, your kids are going to either think you’re the coolest dad in the world or a big disappointment. And it’s all based on whether your piece of wood gets to the finish line first.  

And the Little Black Dress is pretty adamant that we are going to have “fun, fun, fun.” Like saying that will actually make it happen.  And she’s all about it not being a contest and everyone’s a winner and it’s not what place you come in and …

Right.

The last two years, the Sons have not fared well. As I recall, the middle Son of Thunder came in last place a year ago.  The sulking period was exponentially longer that time.  And another year everyone in the oldest Son’s den got some award – first place, best design, most unusual, most something. Except him.

The LBD was not happy about that. So she left the derby and went out and got the biggest friggin trophy she could find. And she topped that with a huge banner, both prominently displayed  when the eldest came home.  The LBD had a discussion with the pack leader after that; and next year everyone, and I mean everyone, got a ribbon.

Here are a few observations regarding Pinewood Derby:

1. Your kid is going to want an exact replica of the Batmobile or Darth Vader’s Tie Fighter or a battleship with working guns. When I say exact, I mean exact – scale replica model. You will spend an inordinate amount of time trying to convince them it’s not humanly possible with your skill level. They won’t care.

2. In my day, we had a file or two, pieces of sandpaper and rocks to chisel out the wood. Now, there are entire woodworking shops complete with electric sanders, jig/band saws, those Dremel hand power tools and car body paint shops.  Somehow spending a few wonderful hours with your kids shaping a block of wood has turned into an auto plant running full tilt.
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3. You – the dad – will nearly cut off your finger or thumb. You will get wood chips in your eye. You will bleed somewhere. I still have a scar from three years ago where I nearly took off my thumb – and with a fancy little hand saw at that.

4. The kid who basically throws some paint on the block of wood, adds a couple of weights and a sticker, will win. Every time.

5. The more time you spend on the car, the slower it will be.

6. Some kid (dad) will show up with an exact scale replica of the Batmobile, or Darth Vader’s Tie Fighter or a battleship with working guns.  And your kid is going to give you that look, that look that says “see, I told you it could be done.” And you will have no response.

7. There will be heated debates among the parents about the proper placement of the weights. Some will say the front, others the back, and still others favor drilling in and placing the weights inside. You can actually go online and see guys who’s hobby is testing this.

8. One kid in every den is going to be happy. The rest are going to need Happy Meals afterward. And some other toys.

So back to the big race for the two oldest Sons.

They win. Both of them.

And that means we now have to go to District.

And there won’t be any pressure at all.