The Little Black Dress Fights A Ninja, And I Save Her Thumb

Mar 22, 2012 by winjaw

It starts with a blender.

Not just any blender. In my mind, a blender is something where you put stuff in a glass/plastic container, push a switch and said stuff blends together.

Fairly simple process. But no, because our blender not only blends, but mixes, and pulses, and dices, and purees, and chops, and crushes, and other assorted blending functions.

To cut to the chase, the manufacturer simply uses all these exotic terms rather than something simple, like slow, fast, faster, and super-duper fast. That way, they can charge you a lot more. And we, as consumers, fall for it. Every time.

I mean, do you want a blender that goes fast, or one that can puree?

Back to the blender – it broke.  And so now our extremely and absurdly expensive blender is a rather large paperweight.

The Dress will be off shopping. But first she enlists the help of Eldest SON of Thunder, who does the whole internet search thing and together they come up with is, apparently, The Blender.

Enter The Ninja.

Despite an absurd amount of attachments, I like the basic unit. There is a rather zen-like simplicity to it. Three buttons: dough, blend, crush. Gone are all the purees and dices and mixes and whatnots.

You want to knead some dough, that would be the “dough” button; want to blend ingredients, that would be the “blend” button; want to crush some ice, that would be the “crush” button.

The Ninja, like all such devices, comes in a box. The difference is the box has enough warning labels on it one would think it was toxic. This especially holds true for the various blades, which are sealed in cardboard with several other warnings, that in simplest terms, say, “touch and die.”

The Dress makes it through all the warning labels, hooks it up and well, blends something. That would be using the “blend” button if you recall.

She is happy.

Fast forward to the evening meal cleanup. The LBD decides to move the Ninja and touches a blade with her thumb.

We now know why the manufacturer went with the “Ninja” name.

She did not cut her thumb, but rather lacerated it. Picture one of those awful B-grade movies where the guy gets his hand cut off by the zombie and he just stares at the lump as blood starts gushing and spurting and …

About like that.

And despite her best attempts – applying pressure, running under cold water, wrapping it in a towel, the bleeding will not stop.

And that’s when I get the “do something” look.

“Put paprika on it.”

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“Put paprika on it.”

“I’ve been married to you for 18 years Winters and I’ve never seen you put paprika on any cut.”

“Yes I have.”

“No you haven’t.”

I should probably put her comments in all caps. And we’re really not getting anywhere. So I take her hand, grab the paprika and pour it all over what’s left of her thumb.

And within a few seconds the bleeding stops. And I wrap it up in some gauze and tape.

Ta da.

I have exhibited yet another gift.

The Dress looks at me with disbelief, looks down at her thumb, back at me and yet, can’t quite figure out an appropriate response.

A simple thank you would suffice.

I learned the trick years ago working in restaurants where you weren’t a chef unless you had a few massive cuts to display. Sharp knives, lots of cutting, you will bleed.

We were at a party the other day and The Dress still had her thumb wrapped up in a bandage. Someone commented on said bandage and The Dress relayed the story. And the other person just started laughing because one of her friends had gotten the Ninja, and created what was described as a rather massive near amputation herself. And apparently bled and bled and bled.

She did not know the way of the paprika.

But now you do.