Let’s Watch … ARGH@!#!! … Not The Circle of Life!!!!

May 17, 2012 by winjaw

I am not one for exclamation points. To me, they signify weak writing. If something is AMAZING, CRAZY, AWESOME, INCREDIBLE, WHATEVER, you ought to be able to write it that way.

In this instance, words do not suffice. And yes, I used a tired phrase.

Said title of this blog was uttered by Youngest SON of Thunder the other night. He, his siblings and yours truly were watching a YouTube video. Quite instructional some of those videos are by the way.

Anyway. We were learning … wait for it … wait … how a milk snake eats. Snake, not shake.

And why pray tell would we care? Somehow, Eldest SON of Thunder convinced yours truly and the Little Black Dress that he really, really, wanted a milk snake for his birthday. Said birthday is today.

An aside – happy birthday Eldest. You are awesome. And The Dress and I are very proud of you and are simply grateful you are in our lives.

We’re back. So here’s how it happens. The nice commentator on the video drops a very cute little white mouse into the glass terrarium. Said terrarium also includes a milk snake. Said snakes are about a finger or two wide and grow to about 36 inches or so. Just so you know we’re not talking rattlers or pythons or such.

And the little precious mouse scurries about and the snake just looks at it. And then out of the blue, in that whole Santa twinkling of an eye speed, the snake strikes, wrapping itself completely around the aforementioned precious little mouse.

And the snake starts to squeeze and squeeze and squeeze. And the nice commentator lets us know the snake is basically suffocating the precious mouse to death.

After about a minute the snake decides the mouse is dead enough. And it’s time to eat. Now we all know snakes don’t have arms (you know that right?). So I figured the snake would just sort of gnaw on the mouse. I say this because the mouse – at least in width – is way bigger than the snake.

That would be a “no.” Because the snake basically opens its mouth to some absurd stretch and begins to swallow the now dead, former precious mouse.

And it was about that time Youngest SON let out the “AG@!#!! … Not the circle of life!!!. Complete with all the exclamation points.

In the background, The Dress is muttering. Something along the lines of “What was I thinking,” “This was the dumbest idea of all time,”  “What was I thinking,” “If that snake ever gets out …,” “What was I thinking.” And so forth.

A few days ago, Eldest Son and I were on the Internet searching for the perfect milk snake. Eldest wanted a Nelson milk snake. We found one an ordered. They are shipped overnight delivery. Eldest was completely calm and rationale and didn’t check his e-mail every five minutes to see if it had shipped and exactly when it would arrive. No, not at all.

We finally got an e-mail. They were out of Nelsons. They suggested an Apricot milk snake. Eldest did not want an Apricot. He wanted a Nelson. Another aside – basically the various names refer, I’m guessing here, to the color patterns of said snakes. I say that because they also have Albino milk snakes, which, yes, have a lot of white. For some reason, The Dress was adamant there would be no Albino milk snake in the house.

So Eldest and I search some more and find a Mexican milk snake. And we order it. It’s due today. And Eldest calls The Dress to inform her. Bad mistake son.

Because within nanoseconds of that call The Dress has speed-dialed me and just lays into me.

“I thought we were getting a Nelson snake. What is this Mexican snake. We agreed on a Nelson snake. That’s what the science teacher said to get” and so on and so forth.

And then she let out, “what if its personality is different.”

You should consult your doctor if cheap viagra pills you think some medication taken by you is causing ejaculation problems. Diet and Atherosclerosis Because appropriate diet is viagra for sale canada directly related to anxiety regarding sexual performance. Democracy should allow people, all across the globe, to benefit from the knowledge, skills, and experiences that they possess; Empowr has built the social network platform for this new purchase cheap levitra kind of democracy to thrive. This is the reason, more and more men are looking out for better pills page sildenafil canada pharmacy rather than just staying with the problem. And I pause. And in my sweetest voice say, “honey, it’s a friggin snake.”

And then spent quite a bit of time explaining that said snake was indeed a milk snake and the only difference was the name, which simply referred to its color pattern. And she may have bought that line, but we’ll see. And that will all depend on said snake’s personality.

Anyway. The Dress and Eldest head off to the Big Box Pet Store to get a terrarium. And silly me thinks they will be bringing back a big glass case.

That would be a “no.”

We have special wood chips – Aspen no less – because cedar apparently kills them. And the terrarium isn’t just a big case. No. It includes a 5.5 inch “Premium Reflector Dome Fixture” that “provides warmth and light with a ceramic socket to withstand constant heat.”

And we have a “Day Blue Light Bulb” that “emits full-spectrum light and UVA rays needed for a healthy reptile environment.” And we have a “Heat Mat Terrarium Heater” that “helps reptiles thermo-regulate for daily activity, appetite and metabolism.”

Think I’m done don’t you?

That would be a “no.” Because we also have a “Terrarium Liner” described as needed because “reptiles thrive on the absorbent, non-abrasive material. Treated with a biodegradable enzme that reduces reptile odors.”

And I admit, I had no idea snakes stunk.

And finally, we have the “Fresh Air Screen Cover 20 x 10 inch” that “provides solid security and air flow to promote a healthy exchange of air needed to help keep pets active and healthy.” Yeah, it also means it better keep the snake because if it escapes and finds the LBD …

I did not make any of that up. It’s all on the box. You have to love marketing.

We also learned milk snakes eat Pinkie Mice. Said mice are available at the Big Box Pet Store. Said mice are frozen.

That last sentence is key. Because the mice have to be warmed up first before the snake will eat them. That means you have to heat up some water and basically thaw the mouse.

It will never happen. But just imagining the Little Black Dress wearing a surgical mask and rubber gloves and holding a frozen mouse by the tail with tongs while dipping it in hot water to warm it up …

I’d probably bust several blood vessels from laughing so hard.

It is time to go. The doorbell has rung.

Felipe is here.