Weekend Column – I Think That’s High Enough

Jul 21, 2014 by winjaw

I consider myself fairly easygoing. There are only a few things that I am not fond of.

I say “not fond of” because the Little Black Dress does not like yours truly and the SONS of Thunder using the term “hate.” Sometimes I can get away with abhor, loathe or repugnance.

I am not fond of clowns, crowds and heights. I do not trust anyone with a perpetual smile. I define a crowd as more than a handful or two, and do not believe my manhood is determined by how high a cliff I can jump off of.

Which somehow is going to lead me into discussing our latest family reunion. It was held at my parents’ lakehouse in northern Oklahoma. On hand were my parents, myself and three younger brothers, our accompanying wives and 12 grandkids ranging in age from 16 to 4.

We did the lake stuff – fishing, sailing, swimming, boat rides, and jet skis/wave runners, or personal watercraft for the trademark attorneys out there.

For some reason, Pops, as my dad is called by the myriad of offspring, rented one of those parasailing boats for a few hours. For the uninitiated, parasailing involves a boat pulling a parachute behind it by a cable.

I have no idea how this falls under the category of “fun.”

I am told the cable goes out about 500 or 600 feet, meaning I will be somewhere in the neighborhood of two football fields up in the air. One tiny cable, two obviously inadequate carabiners attached to some miniscule webbing, and a very thin stretch of fabric that I am supposed to sit on. I did mention my issue with heights, did I not?

Because of the size of the party, we are split into two groups. Fortunately, yours truly and my clan are in the second group. We go out to the shore to watch the first group die.

By the time I got down to the lakeshore, the first victim, a 12-year-old nephew, was already in the air. I know this because I saw the boat and began to follow the cable. Up and up and up and up until my neck was aching from being arched so far back.

I crane my neck once more to see how high this parachute is and decide I’m up for a boat ride and I’m sure the SONS will have a wonderful time punching clouds while the LBD and I watch from the safety of the boat.

And that’s when one of the SONS notices that Gran Ann, my mother, is now parasailing. Mentioning my mother’s age would result not only in disownment, but dismemberment as well. Let’s just say I’m in my 50s. My parents married later in life and I didn’t come along for a few years after that.

Apparently, I will be parasailing.

Eldest and one of my brothers go first. I have no idea if he’s having any fun because I can’t make out his face, even with binoculars because he’s so friggin’ high up. But he returns with a huge smile a few minutes later.
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It is now my turn, and I’m going up with Youngest. We latch up and before I can give The Dress the codes for all the bank accounts and life insurance policies, we are going up. And up and up and up and …

I mentioned my dis-fondness of heights, did I not?

It takes me about a minute to calm down enough and not totally freak out – primarily because I’ve got Youngest right below me and it probably would not be good for him to see me lose it. Not that it would do any good because, as I mentioned before, we’re more than 500 feet in the air.

I keep asking Youngest if he’s okay and don’t get a response. That does not bode well. After about two minutes in space, he finally responds.

“Dad, I’m sorry, but will you get mad if I cuss?”

Absolutely not, my son.

Toward the end of the ride I’m finally getting the hang of it. And I decide as we are being lowered back in the boat that I’m glad I did it.

But I have no plans to ever, ever do it again. Never.

I finally reach the boat and and that’s when I look up and notice The Dress is geared up. Appears she has decided to join me – meaning I’m going right back up.

The only good thing I can say about that second voyage was somewhere around 500-plus feet, she leaned over and kissed me.

“We can now say we kissed at 500 feet in the air,” she said, smiling.

So I’ve got that going for me.