You Are Dead To Me

Apr 23, 2010 by winjaw

There are certain phrases you never want to hear.

Things like “you have cancer” or “I want a divorce.”

Even more mundane sentences can bug you, like: “yes you look fat in that,” “your mother dresses you funny,”  “my dad can beat up your dad,” and the all-encompassing “what where you thinking?”

So when the Little Black Dress came out with this death-voice growl of  “You are dead to me,” there was utter silence at the Cottage. Everyone froze. There was no sound from the Sons of Thunder, none from yours truly.  But there were a lot of eyes darting back and forth that conveyed a “it’s not me is it?” plea.

This was serious.  

Fortunately, her venom was not directed at any human.  Rather, it was directed at The Dog.

Miss Roxie Love.

For those yet to meet Miss Roxie, the “dog” is a “Shorkie,” a cross between a Shih Tzu and a Yorkshire Terrier; or hell and damnation. Take your pick.

I have never been “fond” of said Miss Roxie and the only reason it’s still alive is because of The Dress. Even the youngest Son has, on more than one occasion, suggested it was time to let Miss Roxie “be free.”
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The dog runs off – it looks at you as you call it, sneers, and runs off.  It barks at its own poop.  It weighs three pounds and sleeps with a cat, and eats the cat’s food.  It thinks it can fly and chases birds to prove it.  It chases squirrels. It walks on the back of furniture.  It eats women’s underwear. It collects ticks just to let them drop off in my bed.  It’s a weird dog.

Anyway, the cause of the “You are dead to me” phrase is that Miss Roxie gnawed on The Dress’ favorite pair of shoes.  And I mean favorite. And to add insult to injury, it was on the exact day of the first anniversary of her mom’s death.

As words cannot adequately describe The Dress’ mood, let us just say she was very, very upset.  She used certain other phrases I have not heard from her since she last gave birth to one of the Sons without any drugs.  At that time, said phrases were directed at me for some reason.

But not this time. (yes, I’m doing a little dance over here). This time Miss Roxie Love is getting the full-bore. And even more than that because this is not the first time we’ve had such an “experience.”

To celebrate her 40th birthday, The Dress bought a very, very nice pair of Via Spiga (impressed I knew that aren’t you?) shoes.  And she was very excited because they were “half of half of half of half” off, but somehow as I recall still cost three digits.

Miss Roxie gnawed them to bits.

On that instance, The Dress was out of town dealing with putting her parents in a nursing home. The Dog has some serious timing issues.

I have a gut feeling that Miss Roxie Love may soon “be free.”