The Witness

Jan 28, 2016 by

Apparently, school administrators have to go to great lengths to ensure students, once in school, stay in school.

I’m not talking about locking doors and such, but something like making sure someone who claims they are sick, is actually sick.

Let’s set the stage. Middle SON of Thunder has pretty much been sick, on and off, all week. By sick I mean whatever he inhales he soon exhales. And with appropriate velocity.

He finally makes it back to school earlier this week – with the appropriate signed note that is dated, giving a reason for missing previous days and marked with a bloodied thumb print for authenticity.

As an aside, I have written in the past about getting The Note. The one that says your “precious snowflake has X number of unexcused absences and DEFACS is on their way with a sheriff’s deputy to take your children away forever and a marshal is bringing a court summons and yes, although orange is the new black, your new cellmates are going to beat you up so you’d six doctor’s notes today or don’t bother showing up” note.

So yeah, we made sure Middle SON had his freaking note.

Here’s what transpired next, with the understanding 15-year-olds sometimes exaggerate, but the crux of this was verified by Eldest SON of Thunder.

Middle tells teacher he needs to go to restroom. Said teacher tells him to go. On the way there, and before making it to restroom, Middle makes a deposit in a trashcan in the hall. He goes back to the teacher and said he threw up. Teacher tells him to go see the nurse.

After explaining what has transpired, the nurse asks a question.

Now, if you have kids who have thrown up at school, please don’t shout out the answer. Let’s give the others a chance. So for those who haven’t, that is neither you nor your offspring have ever thrown up at school, what is the answer?

Let’s pause for dramatic effect.

One more little pause.

And the answer?

Drum roll …

“Do you have a witness?”

Yep, you read that right.

Now all this is being recapped, in great detail, to me by Middle, the Little Black Dress and Eldest after I got home from work on the day of this infraction.

A matter of background: The Dress got her Master’s degree from Oral Roberts University. For those in the dark, let’s just say it’s a pretty charismatic Christian university. And by “pretty charismatic,” I mean “off the wall charismatic.” At her graduation, which I attended and before we were married, they had an hour-long praise and worship time before they even starting handing out sheepskins.

So they are telling me all this about the witness and I look at Eldest with a “seriously?” kind of look and he throws up his arms and says “you gotta have a witness, brother!”

And this is immediately followed by my charismatic wife who throws up her hands and says “who’s going to be my witness” and Eldest chimes back in and …

After a while, it sounds like some revival at an old country church with the preacher shouting out who’s going to be a witness for Jesus. I’m just waiting for someone to say AAAAAA MEEEENNNNN LAAAAAAAWWWDDDDD JAAAYYYY SSSSUUUUSSS!!!!!!!!!

So I look at Midde, who is the cause of all this commotion and ask what did he do for a witness.

He said he got sick again, this time in her office, threw up in the trashcan and asked if that counted.

I gave him a thumbs up.

And it counted. I picked him up and he still had his “throw up” plastic cone courtesy of the Coweta County School System.

But we all learned something that day. Lesson learned? Always have a witness.

Until next time.

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